The First Date Chronicles: Seizure Boy

Let’s talk about terrible dates. We have all had them. It just comes with the horrors of dating; in any century. Although we all know THAT date that comes to mind with this description. These are the kind of stories we would watch on TV and call “unrealistic” because they’re so ridiculous, but to me, this is just life.

Dave, aka Seizure Boy. Likely a nickname no one would want to have in any context, let alone a first date, anyway, you'll see. We had met through a dating app. At this point, I totally forgot which one since I’d been on so many. Whoops. Anyway, after a few days of texting, he seemed decent enough, and we were ready to arrange our first date.

The day of the date arrived, and Dave and I were texting throughout when he let me know that he had an issue, his car mirror had broken so I would have to pick him up for the date.

Ugh. Whatever, not his fault, I know, but picking a guy up for a first date just feels weird.

The night was here, and the gorgeous blue sky filled me with warmth and comfort; maybe it was the literal high I had or the perfect Florida evening which was pleasantly chilly in the 70s.

I was really hyped for this weather because it is such a rarity, it warrants two sentences about it. I was nervous and stared at myself in the mirror, almost searching for an answer, I found a face filled with hope, uncertainty, and a dash of excitement.

As I applied a final touch of my signature black eyeliner, I took a deep breath, trying to calm the fluttering butterflies in my stomach. After all, it had been a while since I went on a first date and I wanted everything to be just right.

Well, wishful thinking has always been my downfall.

Once I felt amazing in my outfit, I grabbed my bag, and headed out the door, ready to embrace the night and whatever would come.

I was taken aback by the massive, beautiful, stone house that I saw when I arrived at the address given to me, it exuded a sense of comfort and homeliness. I had no idea he lived in such a beautiful place, adding an unexpected layer of intrigue to the evening.

Finally, someone with good taste, I thought to myself.

I texted him and waited in the driveway for him to come outside.

As I started to see him walk down the driveway, I thought he was cute-ish; I noticed he was more nerdy looking than I was used to, but he seemed like a nice guy, and I had to try something new… That new thing being, not seeking complete douchebags, which appears to have been my specialty.

“Hi there!” he said, walking to the car to greet me. “You must be Michelle, right?”

I smiled and nodded. “Yes, that’s me. Nice to meet you, Dave.”

He got into the car, and we smiled at each other, then went in for a “hello” hug. It was nice to meet and see him in person; I was hopeful for the night ahead.

As we drove away from his home, we headed towards the restaurant, some small sushi place in a semi-strip shopping center.

“I have a little something extra, too,” I said, grinning mischievously.

Dave’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh yeah? What did you bring?”

I pulled out a perfectly rolled blunt from my bag and waved it in front of him. “This,” I said proudly. “I figured we could smoke before dinner. You down?”

Dave hesitated for a moment, looking around the empty parking lot. “Uh, yeah, sure. But you’re not worried about getting caught?”

I shrugged nonchalantly. “Nah, we’re fine. I do this all the time.”

Dave looked a little nervous but followed my lead as I lit the blunt and took a puff. We passed it back and forth, chatting and laughing as the high set in. I could feel the stress from earlier melting away as I relaxed into the moment.

I could tell that he was super high just from his voice alone. I warned him to slow it down, but he insisted on keeping up with me. That is not generally a smart thing to do.

A few more hits later, we were about halfway through the blunt, and I was feeling fantastic. Dave, on the other hand, was not. His speech had turned into a stutter, and he was sweating profusely.

I drove us a quick 3 minutes to get to the restaurant and decided to sit outside because it was empty and quiet, giving us a better place to talk and enjoy the company. Plus, the weather, duh.

The waitress came over and handed us the menus. I glanced at Dave and noticed he was sweating harder, and his jaw clenched even tighter. “Are you feeling okay?” I asked, concerned.

“I’m fine, just a little off,” he replied weakly.

I wasn’t convinced, but I didn’t want to push him. I started flipping through the menu, trying to find something to order.

I glanced up to ask him something about the menu when suddenly, his eyes rolled back into his head, and his body started shaking violently.

“Oh my god, Dave!” I exclaimed, feeling helpless.

My mind is running wild,and we were the only two people outside.

“What the fuck do I do right now? The dude is literally having a seizure.”

His entire body was shaking and practically frothing at the mouth. This was the first time I had seen something like this.

“What to do, Michelle? What to do?” I internally yelled at myself as his eyes continued rolling.

I reached for my phone to dial, but in a moment of panic, my stoned instincts kicked in, and I started to kick his leg.

I was desperate, don't judge me.

I whipped out my phone and started dialing 911. We needed an ambulance STAT.

Just as I was about to hit the call button, he just snapped out of it. His eyes went back into place, his body back to normal. He looks me dead in the face and says:

“Hey, why are you kicking me” seemingly frustrated with the action. I didn’t even realize I was still doing it as I was dialing and panicked.

“Sorry, that just scared the shit out of me. Are you okay?” I exclaimed back at him as I steadied my leg under the table.

He stared at me, baffled by my question. I could not understand why he was confused until he replied;

“What are you talking about? I’m completely fine?” Dave trails on questioningly.

I was the one in shock. Did he not know what had just happened? Did he black out? How do you even have a seizure, stay awake through it, and not remember a thing? I had so many questions running through my head.

“Ummm, you just had a seizure; you were convulsing, your eyes rolled back. I had 911 dialed on my phone” I trailed on...

He looked at me and said, “No, I didn’t.”

My jaw hung open as he said that, was he calling me a liar? Did he have no clue?

“Yes, you did; I want to make sure you’re okay. Are you sure you don’t feel off or need any medical attention” I asked him in a more comforting voice, trying to help ease our nerves and tensions.

He insisted that he was completely fine and had nothing to worry about. I was not just worried. I was traumatized. That was fucking crazy.

The air between us was still awkward and tense. Despite the passing time, I couldn’t shake off the image of the seizure; the convulsing, the drool, ugh.

He blamed his not feeling well on having a bad reaction to smoking. It seemed weird because he had told me it was a daily thing for him.

After dinner, we returned to the car and headed toward his house. I looked at the clock, and it had barely been 45 minutes.

“Thanks for dinner, Dave. I should probably head back now,” I said, trying to escape.

He insisted on my coming in. “Come on, don’t be so quick to leave, it’s barely 8:30,” he pointed out.

I hesitated, unsure of what to do. “I don’t know, I should really get going,” I said. My heart was beating fast, and hard.

“Please, just for a little while. I promise I won’t keep you too long,” he said, giving me a pleading look.

I finally caved, like I do.

Despite my instincts telling me to leave. Always listen to your instincts.

The house was lovely, a large, white, stone multi-level place in a suburban residential neighborhood where every house looked similar.

“This is a beautiful house,” I commented as we walked in.

As we walked through the tall wooden doors, my heart sank as I saw his parents standing in the kitchen. His mother walked towards us with a beaming smile while his father sat back and relaxed in a chair.

“OMG, Michelle! I am so excited to meet you; we have heard so much about you,” she exclaimed.

WTF. This is our first date.

Why have you heard so much about me?

This has to be some stage-5 creeper-type shit, right?

I smiled politely and told her it was also nice to meet her. As if things were not awkward enough already, I went in for a handshake, and she went in for a hug. You know those moments.

Once we were able to escape from his parents, I noticed only a bed in the room—more awkwardness. I waited for him to get on the bed first and then strategically placed myself on the opposite side so we weren’t even close to touching. I couldn’t believe this was happening on my first date.

Seconds later, I feel the sheets scrunching as he inches closer. I feel myself cringe and then realize I have nowhere to go. I’m already on the edge of the bed.

We opted to watch something on TV. I refused to commit to a movie because I had no intention of staying. A Cheshire cat-like grin spreads across his face as he moves closer, and I feel goosebumps. Not the good kind.

Some TV show was playing in the background, but I could hardly remember it. Suddenly, he flings his leg over mine and puts his head next to mine. You know the total girl cuddle move? Well, he was doing it to me instead.

I look at him and muster up whatever would pass for a smile and pretend to be focused on the show, trying to avoid the move he was trying to make on me.

I guess he didn’t take the hint.

He moves in closer and kisses me hard on the mouth. It was a pretty aggressive first kiss. I pulled away after a few seconds and tried to push him back. Again, he didn’t take the hint and kissed me again.

His lips engulfed mine. It felt like they were being sucked in.

Think vacuum.

More awkwardness.

Not too long later, I pulled away, made an excuse, and said I needed to leave. I got up from the bed and told him I had a long drive ahead and had work in the morning.

He pushed back; “It’s only 9:45, though. We have plenty of time.”

He took no hints, and I could see him as nothing but a seizure boy, and I felt terrible for that; it wasn’t his fault, but nonetheless, it was the truth.

“Yeah, but I have to drive, and I’m just drained; it’s been a long day.”

Finally, after another kiss, I could make my great escape.

After that, I practically ran to my car and cringed as soon as I got in, thinking about the night’s events.

As I drove home that night, my mind was a jumble of thoughts. It was an evening filled with the unexpected, and although it might have made for a wild and unbelievable story, it was also a reminder of the unpredictability of dating.

He texted me as I arrived home and told me he had a great time and wanted to see me again. I, on the other hand, did not.

So, after one seizure, an awkward encounter with his parents, and a lousy make-out later, I was out for good.

Sometimes, even the most ludicrous experiences can teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and what we truly seek in a partner.

We would think we were at the end of the story here, but we are still in the woods.

Fast forward two years into the future.

My sister is on J Swipe, and she matches with a guy. She tells me he is friendly, cute, and smokes weed but looks slightly nerdy.

“Ohh, sounds like a good one,” I stated quickly.

Then she showed me this person’s profile, which was the same guy from the date. I quickly recapped everything. She declined quickly.

After his messages with her, he slid into my DM’s and tried to ask me out again, telling me that he is now basically a professional smoker. None of the same issues would arise.

I politely declined because, duh.

Occasionally, I would continue to get random messages from him, but that is where it ended.